Mostly-Mommy

Yesterday I went to South Lake Park with the Mom’s group. There was a little lake there and throngs of Canadian geese and ducks. I was lamenting the fact that I had not brought any stale bread to feed them when I saw this sign:

My favorite is the part about how regular feeding can cause “Bird / People Conflicts.” That’s an awfully nice way of saying “That Enormous Winged Devil Will Chase You and Bite You in the Ass.” Maybe that just wouldn’t fit on the sign.

You heard me right. And no, I’m not referring to some kind of mediocre Jesus-rock band, I’m talking about my friggin’ boob again. A blocked duct became mastitis, which has now become thrush. For all of you who have not breastfed or have not been lucky enough to experience the full range of bonus consequences of doing so, let me explain: Thrush is a common name for Candidiasis, or yeast infection. My symptoms have been classic and include sharp, shooting pain that inconsistently comes and goes, as well as a general desire to rip open my chest and scratch it on the inside.

Now to cure this up I am taking some expensive supplements like Grapefruit seed extract and Acidophilus. And here’s the fun part of the protocol, after every feeding I put vinegar on my nipple. I smell pretty!

I remember once upon a time when boobs were simple, a time when all I worried about was if they looked good in the shirt I was wearing.

My friend Cheri sent me this chain letter email that I felt obligated to answer lest breaking it were to cause starving children in Africa to become covered in boils and be plagued by locusts. I extend this challenge as an open tag to all who read this, please answer so that the Earth doesn’t fall off its axis and go spinning off into space picking off other planets like bowling pins. Thank you.
1. FIRST NAME: Katie

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? My middle name (Rose) is after my mom, grandma, great grandma, etc.

3. When was the last time you cried? Tuesday (yesterday)

4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? It’s okay.

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCHMEAT? Now that’s a personal question. (pepper turkey)

6. KIDS? Yes. One human, 4 furry.

7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I probably would never meet me.

8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? No. (Whoops, yes I do. As Mike astutely pointed out I am writing in my journal right now.)
9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? What the hell kind of question is that?

10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes. Do you still have your appendix?

11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Ummmm… NONONONONONONONONONONONO!!!!

12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Special K Red Berries.

13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Yes.

14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Yes. I can take you.

15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Almost anything by Ben & Jerry’s or Custard Cup.

16. SHOE SIZE? Women’s 11, Men’s 10 1/2 2E, Euro 41.

17. RED OR PINK? Red (my husband will answer “pink”).

18. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My weight.

19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My sister, Erin.

20. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? OK.

21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? I don’t wear pants at home, and red shoes.

22. LAST THING YOU ATE? Roasted parsnip. What, they’re good!

23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The air conditioner (and the snoring baby).

24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Cerulean Blue.

25. FAVORITE SMELL? Wet dog. No, no wait, skunk. No, that isn’t it either…

26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My mom, Sarah.

27. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? Eyes. Mike’s are green and intense, and sometimes one looks slightly to the side.

28. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Yes. (does anyone ever put “no”?)

29. FAVORITE DRINK? Vanilla Coke (damn you Coke people, now I have to drink Dr.Pepper Berries & Cream).

30. FAVORITE SPORT? How can I pick just one, I dislike them all equally. Does MarioKart count?

31. EYE COLOR? Hazel.

32. HAT SIZE? I know my bandana size.

33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No.

34. FAVORITE FOOD? All I can tell you is that I don’t like bananas, eggplant, mushrooms, beef, most pork, slimy things (okra barely squeeks by), raw fish, green peppers, blue cheese, unidentified bits, very spicy things, sprouts of any kind, or bugs.

35. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? Happy Ending. That seems like a personal question.

36. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Sadly, I must answer truthfully. Bloodrayne.

37. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Purple with white flowers tank top.

38. SUMMER OR WINTER? Can I please say Spring or Fall? Or Summer without heat, humidity or bugs.

39. HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs. Just not too tight.

40. FAVORITE DESSERT? Ahem, I believe I already answered the ice cream question.

41. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? My mom, Sarah.

42. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? My husband, Mike.

43. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? “How to Choose the Sex of Your Baby” by Shettles and Rorvik.

44. WHAT’S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Mouse pad? Hah! I am a laptop snob!

45. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV? Last Comic Standing.

46. FAVORITE SOUNDS? My baby’s giggle.

47. ROLLING STONE OR BEATLES? Rolling Stones.

48. THE FURTHEST YOU’VE BEEN FROM HOME? Hawaii.

49. WHAT’S YOUR SPECIAL TALENT? I can wiggle my nose and ears.

50.WHEN WERE YOU BORN? July 14, 1978 (that’s right Internet, there’s a birthday a-comin!).

51. WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Zuffie

Remember the post about when Nick bit me and drew blood? Well, sadly the little pit bull is at it again. Yesterday we were having a wonderful game of scaring each other with the Baby Daddy’s serial killer gloves and the baby was screeching with laughter and all wound up, then he reared back his head and bit me. REALLY HARD. IN. THE. ARMPIT. As though that weren’t bad enough, then he WOULD NOT LET GO. I had to drop to the floor and pry his jaws apart with my hand. I wasn’t excited to put another piece of my tender flesh into his mouth but I didn’t have a crowbar handy. I have a very nice set of teeth marks, top and bottoms, as a souveneir of my tangle with the shark. Incidentally, not much later Nick got his first Time Out for bad behaviour and a general unruly disregard for “No!”

I think the bitiness comes from Mike’s side of the line. Let’s just say that someone in his immediate family confessed to being a biter when they were young. I am more of a puncher. There were several incidents in my childhood that involved someone bothering my sister, then being on the receiving end of a bloody nose. I really hope he doesn’t inherit that trait from me.